Sunday, February 13, 2011

I'm almost too disgusted to tell this story...but the truth has to come out.  I was a young cucumber minding my own business in the cucumber patch.  It was nice there.  Bees landed on me and also it was sunny and ants crawled over me carrying crumbs and it tickled a little.

Then one day Old Mother Molly Hare came to the garden and started rooting around in the vegetables with her old crackly fingers.  Soon enough she picked me up and plucked me off the vine.  At first I was like: ok I'm going to be cut up and put in a crunchy salad, or maybe put in a jar with some vinegar and made into a delicious pickle.  But no, that was not my fate.

Old Molly Hare took me inside.  She took me up to her bedroom.  It was lit with candles.  She was stroking me as she held me in a funny way.  Next she covered me up in some gooey jelly she kept in a jar and then she started to move me toward the long forgotten cavern between her thighs.  Oh jesus no!  I thought, but it was too late.  She was rubbing me along the outside of her crack.  Odd smelling fluids were squirting onto me.  I wanted to vomit, but I was a cucumber and I didn't have a mouth.  My seeds quivered in horror.

Then it happened, I started going into the opening, it was like being shoved into a dumpster full of dogshit and peanut butter.  Everything went black...I started to choke...that's the last thing I remember...


  1. ima cucumber ima cucumber ima cucumber ima cucumber ima cucumber ima cucumber so please dont send me to the pickle factory!

  2. ... Wut ? Wtf did I just read LOL Poor Cucumber.